What is Empathy?

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It is like putting your feet into another’s shoes, wiggling your toes, imagining and feeling what it might be like to experience the world from their perspective.

Reflecting back and checking out what you’ve heard enables your colleague, friend or partner to correct any misunderstandings, refine their own thoughts and express their feelings in more depth and with greater clarity so that you can understand and hear them better.

Alain de Botton, Psychologist and Philosopher, in his School of Life article on Empathy suggests that ‘it isn’t so much about transcending ourselves as it is about practising an unusual kind of introspection, which takes us into less familiar parts of our own minds.’ He says, ‘Behind the reserve of the unempathetic is a fear of running into troubling emotions.’

It’s probably not helpful if in trying to be empathic you find yourself absorbing and experiencing your partner’s or another’s pain as if it was your own. That can be overwhelming. It then becomes more difficult to recognise what is their pain and what is your own. This can lead to difficulties in setting personal boundaries, recognising the differences between you, and meeting your own individual need to be heard and understood.

Botton says, ‘The more we bring our knowledge of ourselves to bear on others, the richer can be our insights into them.’ That is why in both the individual and couple counselling process, the nurturing of an inner observant self is so important in helping emotional and psychological expansion and growth.
Improving empathy involves helping your partner develop greater emotional awareness and communication skills. Here are some strategies that can foster empathy:

1. Model Empathy Yourself

• Lead by example. Show empathy in your interactions by actively listening, acknowledging their feelings, and validating their emotions. When they see how empathy enhances communication, they may naturally start adopting it.

2. Encourage Active Listening

• Teach them to listen attentively without interrupting or immediately offering solutions. Focus on understanding the emotions behind the words. You can practice this by having them paraphrase what you’ve said. Don’t try and fix their problem or offer advice. Listen!
• A useful structure is the 3-2-1 exercise, also known as Uninterrupted Time exercise.
• You put away your phones or any other distractions.
• You sit facing each other making eye contact.
• You set a timer.
• You speak for up to three minutes without interruption. No questions or comment from your partner allowed. Just notice what you’re thinking and feeling about speaking and their listening.
• Your partner or friend has two minutes to reflect what they’ve heard or picked up from you.
• Then you have a minute to feed-back to your partner on their reflection. What was helpful? What wasn’t so helpful?
• Then swop. Your partner speaks and you listen, and the process is as before. Tune into what you’re feeling, hearing them express themselves, telling their story. What does it bring up for you? Keep this to yourself until after you’ve finished their feedback process. At the end have a brief chat about the process of active listening. What’s the learning for both of you?
• Remember that this is primarily a ‘feelings’ exercise rather than a memory game of facts and content. 70% of most communication is non-verbal, so encourage each other to tune into your tone, body language, facial expressions.
• It’s not about who’s right and wrong. All feedback should be tentative and kind. Try not to diminish or be critical of each other’s feelings. Don’t try and fix their problem.
• Try to keep to the timing.
• What should you do more or less of next time?
• Try and repeat this exercise a few times a week or as needed, especially if there’s on-going arguments and conflict between you.

3. Help Them Recognize Emotions

• Encourage your partner to pay attention to nonverbal cues such as tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions. Help them identify the emotions in others, which builds emotional intelligence. You can watch movies or shows together and pause to discuss how the characters might be feeling.

4. Practice Perspective-Taking

• Ask them to consider how they would feel in someone else’s situation. You can engage in role-playing activities where each of you takes on the role of the other in common situations you face, allowing them to better understand your viewpoint.

5. Cultivate Emotional Vocabulary

• Expanding their emotional vocabulary helps them articulate and recognize emotions more effectively. You could read books or articles on emotional intelligence together or introduce them to tools like the “Feelings Wheel” to better describe emotions. Available free on Internet. The School of Life has great short videos, free on U-Tube.

6. Create a Safe Space for Vulnerability

• For empathy to flourish, both partners need to feel comfortable expressing their feelings. Encourage open, judgment-free conversations where both of you can share your emotions. Use ‘How does that make you feel? ‘How does that impact on you?’ or ‘What are you feeling?’ ‘Tell me a bit more… what’s that like for you?’ questions, rather than ‘Why are you feeling like that?’ which can lead to people feeling defensive. It’s only through exploration of thoughts and feelings that we may come to understand the Why? of feelings. This helps them see how empathy strengthens trust and connection.

7. Encourage Self-Reflection

• Encourage your partner to reflect on their own emotional responses and own them. After disagreements or emotional exchanges, suggest discussing how each of you felt and why. Reflection builds emotional insight, which is key to empathy.

8. Expose Them to Diverse Perspectives

• Empathy can grow by learning about other people’s experiences. This could include reading books from different cultural perspectives, watching documentaries, or volunteering together. Understanding diverse perspectives broadens emotional awareness.

9. Give Feedback Gently

• If your partner misses an opportunity to show empathy, gently point it out in a supportive way. For example, say, “I really needed you to understand how I was feeling in that moment” rather than accusing them of being uncaring.

10. Support Emotional Growth in Small Steps

• Encourage your partner to practice empathy in smaller, everyday situations before tackling deeper emotional conversations. Recognizing others’ emotions during casual interactions—like a friend’s frustration or a colleague’s stress—can help build the skill.

Empathy is a skill that takes time to develop, so patience is essential. By creating an environment of mutual understanding and emotional growth you and your friend, family member, colleague or partner, can strengthen this ability to hear, understand and manage difference more productively and effectively.

For more on this see my article on Managing Conflict in Relationships on my website.
Janet Teal Daniel. October 15 2024.