Many couples come to me saying that they’re not getting on with their partner. They’re arguing over the silliest, smallest thing. A difference of opinion suddenly escalates into a shower of offensive remarks, blaming and swearing. One partner becomes upset. The other storms off.
Sound familiar?
In other couples one partner may have an overriding need to win the argument and take no responsibility for their part in the dispute. This may come from the way they were parented or a particular personality trait.
Sound familiar?
Couple argue because they don’t feel heard by each other. One may harbour resentment because they feel they are taking all the responsibility for family matters, the organisation of the household, booking holidays, managing finance while at the same time doing a demanding full-time job.
Sound familiar?
Couples argue because they have become emotionally and physically distant from each other and don’t give each other priority in space or time for intimacy, affection and sex. If one person is harbouring resentment because they’re not having as much sex as they imagine their friends are having or they would like, and the partner is just plain exhausted, the result can be tetchy bickering resulting in no-one being happy.
Sound familiar?
There’s a school of thought that says that arguing in itself, isn’t a bad thing. It shows emotional engagement in a couple. But, if we can’t resolve the underlying issues that are causing arguments in a relationship and manage our own emotions in times of stress, it’s time to take stock.
Arguing in front of the children, or within their hearing range can be very stressful and upsetting for them. They may worry that you’re about to split up and are too afraid to ask. Your arguments may have got you to the point where you see no benefits to yourselves in working on communication and have decided to separate. But if you are not careful you could just repeat the same patterns with a new partner.
Managing conflict in relationships involves healthy communication, empathy and the skill to negotiate. It requires insight as to when and how to take responsibility for your own part in the conflict, and the willingness and humility to compromise. Saying sorry is a very underrated quality!
In the counselling that I offer to couples where conflict is the main issue, we have a thorough exploration of why and how they argue, what might be the underlying issues and how it impacts on the wider family.
I usually start with a structured listening exercise. I ask the couple to set aside a little time each week to practice listening to each other without interruption. The aim is to develop empathy and hear each other at an emotional level, reflecting back what they’re hearing. To be truly heard is validating. It can defuse tension and nurture the safe sharing of feelings and thoughts, heal ruptures and re-foster closeness in the couple.
Here are some tips for managing difference and conflict in a relationship:
1. Use Empathy
It fosters understanding and reduces the intensity of arguments
Example: Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes by saying, ‘I can see why that would be frustrating for you.’
2. Use ‘I’ Statements instead of ‘You’ Statements
This can shift the conversation from blame to expressing your own feelings and can reduce defensiveness.
Example: Instead of saying, ‘You never listen to me, ‘say, ‘I feel unheard when we don’t talk through issues.’
3. Take a Break When Emotions run High. Pick the Right Time & Place
Stepping away allows both partners to cool down and think more clearly and can prevent escalation. However, you also need to agree a time when you will come back together. Don’t avoid the issue!
Example: ‘Let’s pause for a moment and come back to this when we’re both calmer.’
4. Agree to Disagree
This helps maintain respect even when you have differing viewpoints or experience the same incident differently.
Example: In some conflicts reaching a full agreement may not be possible. Acknowledge the differences by saying, ‘We may not see eye to eye on this, but I respect your opinion.’
5. Focus on the Issue, Not Personal Attacks
This prevents the conflict from becoming personal, hurtful and damaging. It keeps the discussion focused on problem solving.
Example: Avoid phrases like, ‘’You’re always so irresponsible.’ Instead focus on the behaviour. ‘When you’re late I feel disrespected.’
6. Find Compromise or Middle Ground
Compromise shows a willingness to meet each other’s needs halfway, promoting harmony.
Example: If you and your partner disagree about spending time together, suggest a compromise. ‘How about we spend Friday night together and Saturday with our friends?’
7. Set Boundaries and Respect Them
This avoids prolonging the argument and creates a healthy space for resolution.
Example: If a discussion is going nowhere or becoming too intense, establish the boundaries like, ‘I need space right now, but can we talk about this tomorrow evening.’
8. Seek Solutions Together
Encouraging teamwork strengthens the relationship and moves towards resolution.
Example: Instead of focusing on who’s right or wrong, work together to solve the issue. ‘What can we both do to make sure this doesn’t happen again?’
9. Apologize When Necessary & Mean it.
A genuine apology can rebuild trust and help heal emotional wounds.
Example: Take responsibility for your part in the conflict by saying, ’I’m sorry for shouting at you. I do want us to work this out.’
10.Watch for Triggers. Head them off at the Pass
We all have our own triggers. Try and recognise your own by getting to know what they are and when they’re likely to come up. The earlier you can recognise what’s happening to yourself or your partner, the more likely it is you will be able to de-escalate a situation.
Recognise what’s happening in your body, when you start to feel stressed, angry, or upset. Notice what’s happening to your thought process. Are you experiencing racing thoughts, palpitations, sweaty palms, faster breathing? Take a step back, take a breath, slow down the pace of the conversation, if you can.
Have an agreed signal between you, such as ‘RED FLAG!’. When one of you says this in an argument it means the conversation must stop there otherwise it’s in danger of escalation. Your partner will understand the signal and you’ll have headed off an argument at the Pass.
Janet Teal Daniel. MBACP (Sen accred & reg Counsellor)
October 2nd 2024.