‘Family, eh?! Who’d have ‘em? What a polarity most of us bring to the subject. Don’t we just love ‘em and then just hate ‘em? Or perhaps not always love or hate at such extremes, but we can feel utterly confused and flummoxed by their behaviour as different members can be of our own. Being honest about saying what you really feel to your nearest and dearest can be harder than being direct with a colleague or friend. That’s because there’s often more at stake in the longer term. Unfortunately, we are often led to believe that like them or not, we’re stuck with them.
As a parent of adult children with children of their own (my grandchildren) I have become more aware of what may be a well-intentioned suggestion on my part, may land very differently with them. They may see a suggestion as unwanted advice or even worse- they might think I’m telling them what to do. Never a great idea!
In understanding how power is perceived and balanced in your own family relationships it is important to start with your self- and your own self-awareness. Are your expectations realistic around the time you can spend with your grandkids when your kids’ lives are frantic. ‘How can I help?’ may be a better question than, ‘When are you going to bring my grandchildren to see me?’
Family estrangement refers to a situation where family members become disconnected or alienated from each other, often due to unresolved conflicts, misunderstandings, emotional harm, or differing values. This estrangement can happen at various levels, ranging from mild distancing to complete disconnection, and it can affect siblings, parents, children, or extended family members.
Examples of Family Estrangement:
- Parent-Child Estrangement:
A child might distance themselves from a parent due to years of emotional neglect or harsh criticism. For example, a grown adult child might cut off contact with their mother after years of feeling unsupported or unloved, despite attempts to reconcile. A father in order to maintain some kind of emotional control in the relationship, may decide that the adult child is no longer deserving of attention, affection or being a beneficiary in his will. - Sibling Estrangement:
Two siblings might become estranged after a significant disagreement or rivalry, such as one sibling feeling that the other received preferential treatment from parents. Over time, communication breaks down, and they no longer share life events or family gatherings. - Spousal Estrangement:
In some cases, spouses experience estrangement, where emotional intimacy is lost due to unaddressed issues like infidelity, constant fighting, or lack of communication and 3. sexual issues. Over time, emotional distance can grow so wide that they no longer share a meaningful connection. - Extended Family Estrangement:
Estrangement can also affect relations with extended family, such as grandparents or cousins. When a new baby is born into a family where there are already strained relationships, the baby can offer an opportunity for reconciliation. This requires an enormous amount of self-awareness and willingness to understand the other party’s point of view, and ability to negotiate and respect new boundaries. In another scenario, a family member might choose not to attend family events due to a falling-out with a close relative, because they disagree on important issues or just feel no mutual investment in the relationship.
Key Causes can include:
- Mental health issues
- Narcissism and personality disorders
- Emotional or physical abuse
- Addiction or substance abuse
- Significant personality differences
- Different Attachment styles
- Unrealistic expectations and dislike of a changed life situation
- Long-term misunderstandings or communication breakdown
- Incompatible life choices or beliefs (e.g., religious or political differences)
- Betrayal or breach of trust (e.g., infidelity, financial issues)
Estrangement is often a painful and complex experience for all parties involved, with some individuals seeking reconciliation while others feel it necessary to withdraw from an unhelpful relationship for their own mental health and well-being.
Ways to overcome family estrangement and improve communication
Improving communication in estranged families can be a challenging but rewarding process. It typically requires patience, empathy, and a commitment to rebuilding trust. Here are some strategies that can help:
- Acknowledge the past: Before moving forward, it's important to acknowledge the hurt or conflict that led to the estrangement. This doesn’t mean rehashing every argument but recognizing that pain exists and it needs to be validated.
- Start small: Reaching out after a period of estrangement can feel overwhelming. Instead of attempting a big conversation right away, start with small gestures—like a simple text or email expressing a desire to reconnect. This can help ease the tension and create an opening for deeper conversations.
- Listen actively: When communication begins again, focus on listening rather than responding. Understanding the other person’s feelings and perspective without interrupting or immediately defending yourself is crucial for building trust.
- Use “I” statements: Instead of blaming or accusing, speak from your own perspective. For example, say, “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always make me feel…” This helps reduce defensiveness and keeps the focus on emotions rather than placing blame.
- Set healthy boundaries: Reconnecting doesn’t mean jumping right back into the same patterns that caused the estrangement. Set boundaries that protect your emotional well-being and make sure to respect the other person’s needs and limits as well.
- Seek professional help: Family therapy or mediation can be incredibly beneficial in situations where communication is strained. A neutral third party can help facilitate constructive dialogue and offer strategies to navigate complex feelings.
- Be patient and realistic: Rebuilding communication takes time, and things might not return to “normal” immediately, if at all. Set realistic expectations and allow the relationship to evolve naturally over time.
- Express empathy and understanding: Even if you don’t fully agree with the other person’s viewpoint, showing empathy for their feelings and 8. struggles can help bridge the gap. Validation goes a long way in mending rifts.
- Forgive and let go: Holding onto past grudges or resentments can prevent progress. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, but it does mean letting go of the need for revenge or retribution, which can create space for healing.
- Focus on shared goals: Emphasize what you still value or want to rebuild together. Whether it’s a desire for family unity, shared memories, or simply improving the relationship, finding common ground can make it easier to work through the difficulties.
Janet Teal Daniel
The following piece is from The Guardian newspaper on 26 January 2025
Question to Psychotherapist, Philippa Perry:
"The ripples from going no-contact with my mother seem to reach out into the wider family"
Response from Philippa:
"Is there room for a more exploratory – rather than confrontational – dialogue?"
The question
I grew up as the scapegoat in a toxic family where my mother played her children off against each other. I went no-contact with her a few years ago and keep my interactions with my siblings to a minimum.
I am now the divorced mother of four young adults, all living away from home. I have a male relative who, with his partner, has become close to two of my children. Initially I welcomed this, but it has increasingly come at some cost to me. The relative has been expressing astonishment that a person who is such a mess (me, apparently) could have brought up such wonderful children. By doing that, they are trying to cause a rift between myself and the children. They have also become very friendly with my ex-husband, despite the latter never being interested in cultivating any sort of relationship with them until I ended the marriage.
I called out my relative’s behaviour and his response was to tell me how hurt his feelings were, how angry it made him and how much he has defended me over the years. Now he has sought to turn my kids against me by telling them I have twisted the facts. The ripples from going no-contact with my mother seem to reach out into the wider family. Is it inevitable that to safeguard myself I am doomed always to occupy the pariah position?
Philippa’s answer:
The experiences you describe, growing up feeling scapegoated, enduring a chaotic relational atmosphere, then taking steps to protect yourself, show you to be someone invested in creating a safer, healthier environment for herself. There is, however, an important question embedded in your letter that you may not have consciously voiced: what might it mean if, in some way, you are contributing to the patterns you wish to escape?
This is not to suggest blame, but rather to explore whether the roles you feel have been imposed upon you could, at times, subtly shape your own behaviours and interpretations of events. In other words, when we have lived as “scapegoats”, we may internalise that position to such an extent that even neutral or ambiguous interactions feel like confirmation of it.
I wonder if broader themes of this family story are being replayed: the sense of being cast out or misrepresented
The hurtful comment you mention from your relative, about being “a mess”, is understandably distressing and seems to lack sensitivity. It makes sense that you might feel undermined and excluded when this individual appears to be deepening ties with your children and ex-husband. Yet, the relative’s defensive response raises the possibility that he, too, feels misunderstood and mischaracterised. Could it be that this dynamic is less about calculated malice and more about a tangled web of projections, grievances and unmet needs on both sides?
Your relative’s closeness to your children and ex-husband may feel like a threat to your central role in your family, but could there also be value in considering how this relationship might benefit your children? Might there be a way to see their connection as a source of enrichment for them rather than a diminishment of your place in their lives? This doesn’t mean tolerating unkindness, but it might open space for a softer, different interpretation of the motivations involved. Is there room for a more exploratory – rather than confrontational – dialogue? Rather than calling each other out, would it not be better to explore intentions, motivations and feelings? Aim not to win or lose an argument but search for a deeper understanding of each other.
I wonder if the broader themes of this family story are replaying in subtle ways: the sense of being cast out, pitted against others, or misrepresented. These dynamics may be familiar but not inevitable. What would it look like to reframe this narrative, to experiment with stepping outside the role of “pariah”, not by cutting off contact but by exploring whether your position within the family could evolve?
These are not easy questions, nor do they come with guarantees. Yet they may offer an alternative to the stark choice of enduring hurtful patterns or severing ties altogether. Healing from relational trauma often involves re-examining the ways we relate to others, including our interpretations of others’ behaviour and our reactions. It is a tender process, but it might allow for the possibility of connection without self-sacrifice.
Often the cutting of ties does not release us from the dynamics but simply reshapes how they manifest. Sometimes, when relationships are severed without a deeper resolution, the underlying energy persists and finds new ways to emerge, such as in your difficulties. It is not uncommon for unresolved tensions with one part of the family system to resurface in another.
If you wanted to try therapy to help you resolve these issues, I would recommend a family systems therapist or a constellations therapist.
The Book You Want Everyone You Love To Read (and Maybe a Few That You Don’t) by Philippa Perry is published by Cornerstone.
Buy it for £9.89 at guardianbookshop.com